I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
