The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
