just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
