Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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