two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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