we have officially lost it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
