I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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