OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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