You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
