Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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