Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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