Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
