i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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