I'm jealous of your bromance
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
