My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
