This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
