I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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