if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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