can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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