u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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