Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
