you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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