He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
