i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
