Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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