Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
