you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
