I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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