Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
