I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
