3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
