the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
