Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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