Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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