They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
