Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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