if i can run in heels then i can drive
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
