I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
