I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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