You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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