I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
