Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
