I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Randomize
