need another drink. this is the easiest way
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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