I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wear drunk well.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
