remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
