Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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