Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
