Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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