When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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