its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
