You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
