Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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