why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
