Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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