trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
