I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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