Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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