I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
we're so committed to being not committed
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
