don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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