i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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